[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Codependents Anonymous' LiveJournal:
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|Friday, May 9th, 2014|
Just had to put this out there so I can let it go
So tired of my husband speaking to me the way he does ... so tired of ACCEPTING silently that he directs me to do things... as I'm typing, I'm deleting and rewriting as I see my language of addiction: it's all about my anger at him for the way HE "lets himself talk to me" but in fact, I'm most upset with myself that I participate, in other words, I perpetuate by not changing MY dynamic. Grumbling under my breath, suffering in silence, skulking off to another room when he speaks so venomously to me. Recently, I watched him chatting amiably with the gas station attendant at the place we go to frequently and I realized that I don't even get the charm that this most minimum of aquaintances gets from him. it made me so very sad. Sad for myself because I don't deserve that ... but sadder still because I'm stuck in the "I don't deserve THAT" as opposed to shifting to what "I deserve: respect, love, admiration, caring, tenderness. Kind of like spiritual photosynthesis, isn't it?
I still can't let go and surrender myself to the care and vigilance of God. I know and I want to, but I keep spiralling back to the same ping pong dynamic of anger, sadness and then ultimately blaming myself because I know better, want better, deserve better.
So God, I'm talking to you now. Show me how to place myself in your care, to trust that YOU love me and you think I'm pretty great and if I'd just get out of your way (so to speak) you'd show me that, won't you?
Interesting ... apparently I never posted what I wrote above, which was probably about 2 weeks ago, but could have been yesterday. But actually, I wanted to just record some things that are starting to happen, which I think are headed in a good, healing direction. I've been talking to God more, really finding myself in situations where I begin to recognize the codependent patterns and I stop and turn it over to God. The thing about CoDa is the repetition, using the language, sticking to the program, until suddenly you start to "get it". That's not to say I am cured, hell no. Way far away from that, but beginning to see a flicker ... and feeling the pain. Tonight I found myself in a bizarre google journey suddenly thinking about the artist who created a painting that I received some years ago. I googled her and upon arriving at her website, went back through her works and came upon the body of work that the painting I own must have come from. And then I noticed that there was a catalogue, and an essay by the curator - my boss at the time, who gave me the painting. I began to read and was STUNNED by the depth and emotion that her works elicited from him. He was always elegant and intellectual in his writing, passionate about the arts, but clearly, her work touched him on a level I never knew. And suddenly, the pain hit me. He had given me the painting in an off-handed way one day, as if to say, you like this? Here, take it. I was pretty overwhelmed at the gift and humbled and, coda as I am, had to have SOME reason for deserving a gift like this. So I said, oh, it's for my birthday (which was around that time) and he wrote a brief note on the back and that was that. The painting wasn't necessarily my taste, but I treasured the gift anyway and hung it proudly at home. It became even more dear to me, and symbolic, when he committed suicide a month later. His death was devastating, and I grieved, but I don't think I really ever let myself REALLY grieve, really mourn the LOSS of him. Allow myself to admit how much he meant to me (I had moved far from home and he was the closest thing to family for a time) and it hit me tonight, HARD, that in fact this painting had meant A LOT to him, that the cavalier way he had given it to me was just one more hint at the terrible event that was to come (in retrospect, there were many clues that he had been planning his death for some time and I know
that a part of my pain is from wondering how I could have missed it, how could I have helped him not to feel so lost?) I am crying now, thinking of the loss and it hurts so much, but I'm letting myself hurt - I'm not pushing it away.
Another aha moment I had this week, and I wish I could remember what exactly lead up to it, but while I was wondering out loud to God, why is my life like this, is this really what You have planned for me? what you WANT for me? I suddenly said out loud, wait, I've been getting in Your way! That's IT! I, with all my manipulations, lies, shutting down, hiding, flip-flopping, capitulating ... it goes on and on ... I have been standing in the way of my higher power truly taking care of me. THAT'S what it means to let go.
Once upon a time, I taped a sentence to my journal: "leap, and the net will appear". I thought it was all about being brave and jumping into the thing you set your sights on. I'm beginning to realize that no, it's about giving yourself up to God (as you understand/define/believe your higher power to be). Perhaps it would be better to read: "let yourself fall and the wings will appear".
|Wednesday, March 26th, 2014|
how do I "let go" and yet "make things happen"?
My life seems like it's at a standstill because I've been capitulating to everyone else's needs and/or freezing in place because I can't be what everyone wants from me ... I look around me at the rented apartment filled with "temporary" furniture and it all screams at me "you don't take yourself seriously"! I wake up so sad every morning that I've never given my daughter a real home. A good friend once told me that home is where you feel loved and safe, and certainly she has that - I am so proud that my husband and I, through all our own crap, have really been supportive and loving parents the way mine never were.
There. I put it in black and white, and I survived. I was told I was loved, over and over again, so why do I realize now how STARVED for love I was - am? To be TOLD a thousand times that "you're beautiful, you're special, I love you" but never really to FEEL it, I always felt guilty that the words were never enough. I once had a college friend tell me, "You're so lucky. You come from a nice family with a nice house, a dog, the perfect life". And yet, I envied her because in the same conversation she said she was lucky because as a result of her parents' divorce when she was 12, she got to know each of them as individuals, as people with faults and fears and a relationship with her. Somewhere deep down, I knew that I had an overwhelming sadness at the realization that everything I knew was an illusion. The "perfect suburban picture" with nothing behind it. Then my mother filed for divorce after 30 years of marriage and my parents fought bitterly for over 3 years, complete with stalking and emotional torture and calls to the police. I wasn't living at home, but I was entrenched in their battle. And I've never really let myself be angry with them for it. Or sad for myself at the disintegration of my family, of the perfect bubble bursting. Nearly 20 years later (Oh my god ....) and my mother still refuses to be anywhere near my father, which for so long has made holidays and life events logistical nightmares. I really want to lash out and scream - how could they be so goddamn selfish? How could WE play along with their 'fight', essentially ENABLING them? Each of my parents plays the victim card oh so well. My mother is a control freak who is convinced everyone is after her and my father portrays himself as helpless. And I bounce back and forth between them. I never realized just how bad it was for me when they were together and it's a nightmare having two separate but equally dysfunctional camps so absorbed in themselves that I retreat and make myself conveniently "non-problematic" for them, meanwhile wasting away.
My husband, never having known my family as a whole unit, quickly assessed the dynamics between me and each of my parents and has essentially tortured me about it for all of our married life. He believes that I've failed us as a couple, as a family, because I've never held my parents accountable for helping us "get a step up", in other words, financially, so we could have a home. A part of me agrees with him, and a part of me feels completely guilty about not "making it on our own". So I sit and grit my teach while he chews me out, yet again, for not making it happen - I guess I must get something out of his torturing me because I don't change the dynamic. For so very long I suffer it and I ask why can't I get up the nerve to put it on the table with my parents? But truthfully, on the other hand I am really so angry with my husband for not taking me away from all this, like he promised me once upon a time ago ... I so clearly see HIS codependency, his enabling of my addiction to the screwed up relationships I have with each of my parents, to the miserably low self-esteem I wallow in.
How do I let go when he doesn't? How will we ever move forward, move on, move up, move out of our miniscule rented apartment into a real HOME? We barely cover expenses each month and we have nothing for our future -
And tonight, I finally called my father after not being able to deal with talking to him (several weeks ago I got up the nerve to ask him for help in buying a house we'd found and at first he said yes and then suddenly, he "talked to some people" and decided it wasn't wise to get involved - probably my brother, who inherited the family business, which we got nothing from - see where this is going?) And what does my father say? "I want to give you $5000, because I feel sorry for you." Why didn't I say to him what I was REALLY feeling just then? That his $5000 is worth nothing to me when I needed his help in guaranteeing the mortgage (which he can afford, it's not that HE doesn't have the money, he's been told he 'shouldn't take the risk'). But no, I walk myself through an entire scenario in my head - what a selfish, ungrateful daughter, not to accept his gift... But really, I feel like this sudden "gift", in lieu of helping when I'd asked for it (which was SOOooo not easy for me) is like 'shut up' money. He can walk off feeling all happy and satisfied that he "helped us out", like he's fulfilled some kind of duty.
How do I let go when I'm on the cusp of 50 and have NOTHING. Not even a sense of self-worth.
|Wednesday, March 19th, 2014|
|Wednesday, February 26th, 2014|
Taking the steps
I have read your posts and it could be me talking! I restarted CoDA this January (last time was 2 or 3 years ago for a six month run). Made a new year resolution to take care of myself spiritually/emotionally. I returned to my shrink and got antidepressant - hated to do that, guess that's part of my control, that I think I'm losing control if I need chemicals to restore balance. I handed off the decision making to the shrink. I said if he thinks I need meds then it must be so ... And there I sat, feeling small and lonely, deferring to an authority figure because that's what I do ... And then got angry with myself for not asking enough questions, the right questions. But, I must give myself credit and be grateful that I didn't leave it at that - I stared at the bottle of Wellbutrin for two weeks, unable to start, fearing the sense of handing myself over to a pill (talk about control - who me? Captain of the victims? How could I possibly be controlling???) and I called the clinic and asked to speak to the doctor, even though they had told me he doesn't do phone conversations, only office visits. Well, he called me back and I asked the questions I wanted to ask, clarified the way this pill would work (I was nervous to start because it was a new pill and I was scared of effects, why didn't I just go back to the one I knew .... Because I had complained that it made me emotionally numb, that's why!) Tonight in my coda meeting I spoke twice, but didn't really say anything and I still can't let myself be ok with that. So I came here to express myself a bit more, to spill with the hope that it will take me somewhere. I read something here tonight that the controlling can just as much be in the NOT expressing, the withholding or checking of emotions, the measuring of response (particularly in the hopes/intent of eliciting or avoiding a certain response). Wow, do I finally see myself there! I came home and the husband was mad that I didn't go pick something up, that I didn't see the text message he sent - through my daughter, because he refuses to use a cellphone, that's a whole OTHER subject - and I responded by defending myself, that I never saw the message and "just because you SENT a message doesn't mean I got it and therefore you can't be angry with me!" Now, I wish I had just said, "gee, I'm so sorry I didn't check my phone," and leave it at that. Because I got defensive, he got ridiculous, starting to threaten "well, maybe you shouldn't have a phone if you don't use it right" and "why would you turn the ringer off [during the meeting]? It's not like you were in a movie or something!" and I actually answered him!! I can't change him, his response to me and I can't change the fact that it hurt ... But I CAN choose how TO respond or NOT to respond, and I can accept myself for tripping up, and I can be grateful for seeing it, even if it was after the fact.
Thanks for listening.
I'm still here, actually. I just saw the title I chose here and in fact I did want to write a bit about starting the steps. As I said, this is my second time going to CoDA. But I've never DONE the steps. So, I appreciate any company here as I embark on that journey, one step at a time. Current Mood: contemplative
|Saturday, April 28th, 2012|
Letting go of control
If someone had told me that I am a controlling person, I would not have beleived them. "Look at my life" I would say, "I am the one being controlled to the point of abuse." It is true, my husband is controlling and abusive. It is also true, I guilty of controlling too. I try to control to make things 'normal'. I try to control his feelings to keep him happy, to keep him from becoming angry, to keep him from thinking bad thoughts, to make my life with him easier, more predictable. i have been spending so much of my energy worrying about what he is thinking, what he ment when he said this or that, why he did something, what it has to do with me. i have used up all of my energy on him and I have nothing left for me. Current Mood: melancholy
Todays reading is Letting go of the need to control. Yes, I have a need, if i can not control him, he may do something I will not like, something that will make me even more afraid. He is so often out of control. I do not control by telling him what he can or cannot do, where he can or cannot go. He does that with me. I control by hiding my true feelings. He may not like my feelings about something, I may make him sad or angry if he knows how I really feel. So I show him the feelings he wants to see from me, the feelings that will keep everything in balance, for him. If he is in balance then that is good for me, right. I need to control to keep things good and safe for me. I need to keep balance. I need to control.
I never realised just how much I am controling. I am trying to control his moods so he can control my happiness. He has been controlling for many,many years, but I am not at all happy. I am learning that only I can control my happiness. I can not control or change him or his feelings or the way he thinks. I can only control me and my feelings and my thoughts. So i am letting go of the control. I am being honest about my feelings what I think. He does not like the changes in me. He is desperately trying to control me, to make things the way they were. Sometimes, he is, but most of the time now, he isn't. He is not happy anymore and he blames me for this. He blames me for wanting to change, wanting to feel happy, that I am being selfish and thinking only of myself. I tell him that I have to think of mself, no one else does.
|Thursday, April 26th, 2012|
I wish that I had the fortitude to journal everyday. I have a fear in me that makes me think that what I have to say is not important; that others won't care that I have something to say. I suppose I feel that no one has ever cared that I have something to say.
For most of life I've been told and taught that what I feel is wrong. That I have to forget about myself in order to please others. Its very difficult to let go of those things and have the confidence that is needed to openly express here or anywhere. Current Mood: indifferent
|Wednesday, April 25th, 2012|
I found this journal site and posted my first entry one week ago. I was just reading what i have written so far and I can already see how much i have improved with my codependency. i am not crying as much, hardly at all actually. I think moving out of our bedroom was the best step I have taken. That is the only reason I found livejournal. If I was still in the same room as my husband, i would have to go to bed when he did, I could not read a book, i was never allowed to use the laptop in the bedroom or any time he was not present (he thought I "chatted" with secret men friends). I had to follow his routine, smoke,sex and sleep, every night. that is unless he was tired, then just smoke and sleep. It didn't matter if I was tired or sick or had a headache(I get migrains) No hugging or cuddling, I could watch tv if i kept it muted with subtitles, i could not leave the room. I had no choice but to obey. A wifes place is in her husbands bed. Period. Current Mood: hopeful
I was so much weaker just a week ago. I have moved out of our bedroom, 10 days now, sleeping on the sofa at first. I have so much more peace. Oh, he was so sweet and tried to make me come back to the room. I even did for a night the 3rd day, but he had his temper again, "what was my problem all the time, ther was no need to change anything, why was I being difficult" I gave in, we had sex even thought I didn't want to, I pretended it was great, I faked, again. I felt so empty, disgusted with the whole situation. Then I got angry, at him but mostly with myself. my therapist says I need my own space away from him. But I have no friends to go to, I am on my own. So, I moved into the spare room with an airmattress, no more sofa. I spent that first night searching online for something, anything, i was so alone and sad. And I found this site, my salvation. It looked pretty dead, but I posted and it felt so good to let it all out. I am so grateful for all the comments. And here we all are, one week later. What a difference in me. I am so free, I read my books, I watch tv (in the living room) with the volume, I eat ice cream, i go online,, all by myself, with no one watching and telling me no. He just goes to bed, not a word, no good night, just shuts the door. I am tense until that door closes, and when it does, wow what a relief.
I have been practicing detachment all week. I have been so attached to my husband our whole life together. I could never think for myself, whether it was what to fix for dinner or what I should wear or if i should cut my hair or not. i had no confidence in myself. So I am dettaching. The first day i slept in the spare room, the next morning, he got up, made coffee for himself only and left to work without a word. I sat and cried for an hour about why he did not say bye to me. Not now, i am dettaching. I am not ignoring, I am just being okay by myself. Not needing him. (and I do not miss the sex lol) I am keeping busy, searching for a job, doing errands(which also feels exciting, I NEVER went anywhere alone) going to a coda meeting, seeing my therapist and posting here. I have grown so much in one week, it feels like months.
I am so grateful for this journal. The freedom to just write whatever pops into my head. To complain and be scared and angry and say what I want with out being judged. This is the best therapy of all. And thanks to Mellyjc for helping me through my first week of finding me.** BIG HUG**
|Tuesday, April 24th, 2012|
And now, we are three!!! Current Mood: hopeful
My Friend of Misery
What is so bad or scary about being alone that makes me stay here? Misery abounds in my heart and soul yet I am still here, still doing the same thing day in and day out. Why? Current Mood: disappointed
Opening ourselves to love
Today I had my CoDA meeting and the reading from Language of Letting Go was about learning to accept love.
I have known about my codependency for about a month now and every day I am realising more and more about myself. A real journey of self discovery. But what I am learning is making me sad for myself. I have so many issues that I have never faced, just buried them deep inside my heart, ignored them, pretended they do not exist, pretended to be happy. I forced myself to be happy even when I was so miserable. As a small child, I never really felt love from my mother. A child should feel love, right. A child should feel secure in their parents love. I know my children feel secure, they are confident and brave, things I never was. I have realised the root of my codep. is my continouos search for love and that peaceful feeling. That is why I have tollerated the abuse from my husband for so long. He loves me, right. Or does he really, i am understanding that this is not a healthy type of love. So many conditions, so many rules, Love is here one day and gone the next and back again in a week, all on his terms. And me, always doing anything for the feeling of love, to be loved, wanted, needed. What little love i can get, I hold on to. I love him without conditions, after everything he has done. He says sorry. He says he love me and needs me and can't live without me. But I feel different inside, i can't pretend anymore. I can not pretend to feel his love for me when I cannot feel it, when I do not feel safe and secure. When I have no peace. Was it never there, was I imagining and pretending all along. Or am I unable to feel love. Right now I only feel numb.
They say I must first learn to love and care for myself before i can expect anyone else to love me, to really love me. I know that I do not, anyone who valued herself would not have put up with what I have. She would have left, she would have protected and cared for herself, loved herself. I have been martyring myself in the name of love or what I think is love. But I am trying to learn to love myself, to protect myself and care for myself. It is hard to break old habits. Hard not to sacrifice my feelings. I can already tell the difference in me though, I so not cry as much anymore. I still feel lonely, I do not feel the love he says he has for me. Now, I am reallying on myself for comfort, trying to make my own peace within. I know i deserve love, real love.
Thanks for letting me share.
Current Mood: confused
|Monday, April 23rd, 2012|
Why can't I ever say no? Why is that I think that my own happiness is less important that others'? Or, maybe its that I feel I don't deserve better? Current Mood: contemplative
|Saturday, April 21st, 2012|
I was looking for a new screensaver and found this pic. It is so peaceful. I would just love to be in her place. Laying in a field of flowers, so comfortable, so at peace with the universe, not a care in the world. . . .sigh. . . i hope my life improves soon; I have so much stress. I want peace, I need peace. This is my new goal, to be so relaxed in everything and with everyone. i am working on it and i know that i am doing the best that i can
Anyone else out there?!?! It's lonely here. Post something to keep me company.
|Friday, April 20th, 2012|
I think I will try to post someting everyday. I am reading the daily meditations from The Language Of Letting Go every day and would like to post something about how I feel. Today is about setting deadlines to make decisions in my life, to stop floundering, to stop being victimized.
I have been setting deadlines my whole married life and not following through. I plan and plan and think and think again about how I will get out. but I never have followed through with any thing. When it is bad, i plan to leave and then he says sorry, don't go and i stay only for it to happen over again. I am so tired of the cycle. my kids are almost grown. they are my life. next year my daughter is going to finish college up state, my son will graduate high school in 3 years and plans to go to college away. What will i do when they are gone, I can not see my life go onlike it has. I know my husband is trying to accept the changes, but for how long, I can already see the impatience growing in him, it is only a matter of time, I know.
I have made a decision that i have talked about with my therapist. she agrees that I need my space away from him to get better, that is why I had the courage to move out of our bedroom to the spare room. i really miss my bed though, it is so hard to sleep on an airmattress. but at least i sleep without the fear that i will get woken up in the middle of the night to argue. Why should i get to sleep if he can not. hah. Well I have made a desicion, set a deadline. We have another house that is being rented, our old house. we bought a larger house this last year. the renters lease will be up at the end of june and i plan to move back to my old home then, away from him. but i am scared about how i will bring this about with out him knowing my plan. How will i tell the renter he needs to be out, he will for sure tell my husband. I am thinking do i need a lawyer for this. I have told this to my kids and they want to move with me. what will husband do when we all are gone. will he finally hit his bottom. What will his retaliation be. I am getting shaky just typing about the thought. My leaving is a deadline i have made many times before, but this time i have a real detemination. I only hope i am brave enough to go through with it. I need advice if anyone has any thoughts. Current Mood: anxious
|Thursday, April 19th, 2012|
I had my job interview today. It was a group interview with about 12 other people. I had thought I was applying for a cusomer service position at a local bank, half the time teller and half the time customer service. I know tellering and felt confortable applying, plus I really need a job now to feel I am of value. But the recuiter informed the group there is no tellering and it is a hard selling position. There are aggressive goals to meet and high expectations. I am not ready for high expectations. I am barely getting through the day living up to my own expectations. I was so nervious and anxious when I was called for the one on one. We talked and I was infomed that i did not seem to be the right person for the job. What a relief. But why was I crying in the car on the way home. I know that it was not right for me and that the right job will come along. That's what my common sense was telling me, but I felt like a failure that I let myself down. I told husband; he seemed simpathetic, but also a little relieved. I know he thinks if I work outside, I will move even furthur away, emotionaly. Other people will influnce my thinking. I can think for myself. Todays reading from The language of Letting Go (which I think everyone should read) is about accepting changes. I am trying so hard to change for the better, to be myself, to find myself, that person who got swallowed up by my husband so long ago. I am trying to be me. But he doesnot see this, he wants thing beck to normal. Forget the past, he says, I will be different, he says, stop pushing me away, he says. For 20 years, I have been hearing the same thing every few months. I would just blame my self for not keeping him happy, for not doing enough to make the marriage work. It was always my fault, for making him feel the way he did, for making him think the thoughts he did, for making him do the things he did, for making him not love me. He had the right to be angry at everything. I did not have the same right, i had to hide my feelings. i would push and shove and lock all this away in the back of my mind and force myself to smile and get on with it all. Afterall he needed me, my children needed me. But now,that lock is broken and everything has come spilling out making a big mess of everything, for him I am trying to have my feelings and express them. I am trying to change for my better. I have to if I want to live, because I cannot go on like this anymore. He told me today to let him know how he should act, to lead him, to tell him how to behave to make things better between us. How can I tell him. I don't want to tell him, it will only be fake, he will go back to his old ways, he always does. He wants me to promise everything will be okay. how can I when I don't even know. and, ok for who, him. The more I am trying to change, the more he is getting scared that I will really leave him. My therapist ways sometimes you have to hit the bottom before you can get your footing to climb out. Well I hit hard, and I don't want him to pull me back down on his way to the bottom. At the same time, i feel sorry for him. That he does not realise what he does. I do not want him to hurt and be confused. I am fighting so much with myself, but I am trying not to beat myself up anymore. I am trying not blame myself for his bad feelings, after all he never blamed himself fo mine. Every day is a struggle; I am trying to change. For the better. For me. Current Mood: hopeful
I am not sure how much I am supposed to type here, once I shart, I just can't stop. Maybe, because I was never allowed to have a voice before. Well, I hope no one minds my posts are so long. I am sure they will get shorter over time. If any one else is out there, please post something, not just a comment. Post how your life is today, someone will listen, I will listen. thanks for letting me share.
|Wednesday, April 18th, 2012|
Hi my name is Lynn and I'm a Co-Dependant
Current Mood: awake
This is what I have said at the 2 coda meetings i have so far attended. I did not believe it at first, i don't have the problem, he does. He is abusive. He does not trust me, thinking i am sleeping around with all of his friends and neighbors. I have to spend all my time with him, so he can control his thoughts, he says. He puts me down and criticizes me, tells me he can not take my attitude and my coniving and tricky ways, to make a dicision, to get a divorce, that he needs peace in his life from me. But why, I do EVERYTHING he asks me to, I have given up my own self, I no longer talk to anyone else, I have no friends anymore. As if i could have friends; all friends had to be family friends, husband to husband and wife to wife. So when i made freinds with the other wife, he would fight with the husband and that was it, no more contact with anyone. My only friend, who is still there and i have not been allowed to talk to since nov., moved last year. I am so alone. The loneliness hurts. I am so sad. He says why are you like this, you have everything, a house, 2 children and a husband who loves you and takes care of everything, you have no worries, your life is easy
My husband smokes weed every night, he says to help him sleep, to quiet his brain. If i love him i will smoke with him, that is what spouses do together. i must prove my love allthe time, so he can feel it. I do not like to smoke, i do not like the feeling, the cloudy brain. I need to be sharp because things always happen at night. We have sex almost every night. I believe he thinks that it he keeps me sexed up, i will not cheat. I DO NOT CHEAT. It always starts at night. He gets high, I smoke a little, sometimes alot just to get through the sex. I do not get to say no. What a fight it will start and with him being high. It is easier just to go along. but sometimes things do not go easy, he smells a smell or it feels different to him or why am i not into it today. A womans body is in constant flux, always changing. Ha, what propaganda. Then the fight; what's MY problem, why do I always cause problems. I defend myself, as if he can comprehend logic when he is high. sometimes it will get physical but most of the time a cold indiferrence. A closed door, no more of the love he says he has so much of for me. The next evening it starts all over again. We spent the whole day together at work with out a word. He is cold and cruel, but as soon as he smokes, all love and sex. Am i a robot, no feelings, just push a button. I have no choice but to comply and bend down to the situation. I always apoligize even though i have done nothing wrong, he demands his respect. What about me.
Sometimes it gets too much for me to handle. I say ok lets call it off, get a divorce. He says i will have nothing, no house, no money, no kids. I will be used by all of my outside men that i am sleeping with. I try to leave, he stops me. He flips. Why do I not want to work things out. He loves me. my children need me. Without me there will be no home. He needs me. Please don't go. So. . . I stay. I am so stupid. Why did i not leave when i had the guts to, at that moment when my anger gave me strength. I stayed, again. Only for my children.
But now, my daughter is 20 and she says mom why do you stay, this is not healthy for any of us. She is small,only 5', and strong minded and fair, she does not take anything from anybody. Her dad calls her disrespectful and rude. My son is now 15, and he has been belittled by his dad for being chubby and not athletic. My son plays guitar not football, he is smart, but quiet like me. My husbands family is strong and slim, I was adopted so I do not know about my family. My son will be a big man, already 5'6". His dad says you are not like me, i am tryingto make you a man. I worry about my sons selfesteem. I talk to him that dad does not mean it and he loves you in his way. I know that none of this is right and healthy. My husband has moments of clairity when he sees what he does is not right, but just for a moment. I feel sorry for him, that he does not realize what he is doing to our family. How can i leave him like this. He does not understand. It is my responsibility to help him understand, right. To understand me, that i am a good person and have done nothing wrong. But I can't. Now I understand.
I had seen different therapists during the years, all telling me the same thing, that i can not fix my husband. After a few sessions, i would quit, ei: husband would talk me into quitting. A waste of time and money, i should just listen to him, the one who loves me most, the only trying to save our marrage. Last november I fiinaly broke, I really did go crazy, nothing made any sense anymore. He was always angry and getting more abusive. I warned him if he did not quit smoking weed i would leave and i was serious. I was so alone and had no one to talk to. I was ashamed and embarresed that I was falling apart. I have no family in Fla. He has all of his, he sees his mom and dad everyother day. he cries to them that our marriage is not good, they tell me to stop fighting all time, that his blood presure is up and i will cause a heartattack. I NEED to talk to someone, I need to fix this. So I start to see a therapist again, by my own force, he does not want me to. But he think he will be proven right, that a therapist would see past my lies and make me change back to his normal. After the first appt, i felt better. Someone to listen to me and not judge. I finally convinced, after 15 years of trying, him to see someone too. But not mine, he needs to be seen my a phd holder, someone more qualified, more money. Money is never a problem for his needs. I have now gone to 4 sessions and now he will go to his first,ever. So he goes, on my birthday. I thank god for the present of my life getting fixed, husband getting help that i know he needs. I thanked to soon, i should have known. His phd said there was nothing wrong with him. He gave her the pg rated version of our life, he thinks i cheat, he uses a little bit of weed to sleep, he is a responsible and caring man. She probably said poor you, what a bad wife.
At session 2 my therapist told me that i was codependent. I did not understand and denied it, me husband has the problem, not me. By session 4, she talked me into finding a coda meeting. I really needed to understand, so i went. I read the literature and it all clicked. all the way back to my childhood when my sister,11 years older, told me, then 7, that i was not her real sister, i did not belong there, i was adopted. I also have a brother 1 year younger and another sister 5 years younger, not addopted. I have been trying to please people and fit in my whole life. I am codependent. I gave my husband the info to read and told him things would get better, we still had hope. He took the material to his session 2 and came back so angry. I lied again to my therapist, because if i was codep. then he was an abuser or a drug addict, which he was not,so he said. My therapist was a quack. I went to coda again, bought books by melody beattie, the language of letting go and codependent no more. He went to therapy twice more and currently has other appt, he does nnot like his phd now that she see the real truth in him.
I am at today now, i have a therapy appt at 4. the last 2 days, my husband has not talked to me. I have not been going with him to the store that we own and work in together for two weeks now. I have been sleeping on the floor in an empty spare room. I can not be fake anymore. He said he quit smoking weed, i do not know. I have a job interview on thursday, my first job outside in 9 years. I am excited, scared and hopeful. i am going to buy an outfit to wear to the interview after my appt. the first clothes i have bought myself in 18 months. I will not tell him, or maybe i will.
They say keeping a journal is a therapy in itself. i bought one after my first coda meeting, but am afraid it will be read and i really have too much to write. So, i have written it all here, and i will write more. i need to let it all out and if anyone wants to read it, that is okay too. Thanks for letting me share.
|Saturday, October 29th, 2011|
This doesn't look very active, anymore, but if there is anyone still here, still reading these posts...I really need a friend. I'm finally making a break from a very unhealthy 5 year relationship - though right now it's still up in the air whether it's over for good or if it is just a break, I really hope that I'm strong enough to make it over for good.
My girlfriend hasn't worked in 2 years, and I've been working two jobs just to keep us afloat. She does nothing but sit in front of the computer - the house is a mess unless I make time to clean it, and the mess is pretty much all hers, because well, with two jobs I'm not really even home to make a mess. I know she has to be depressed, and likely has other mental illnesses that triggered the depression - but she's refused to go to a doctor, or get any sort of help. I tried doing my own Hippie Doctor program for her - exercise, sunlight, better eating, vitamins...she only did one of those (vitamins) and only took those for maybe 3 days. I couldn't get her to go out or do anything else. I've tried constantly for years to get her help, and she won't even let me help her, much less try to help herself.
She also has a lot of back problems - a recent issue, which I suspect is caused by the fact that she spent 10+ hours every single day in an office chair in front of a computer and smokes a pack a day. I'm not exaggerating. So now she's moved camp to a big squishy chair, which helped her back pain - unless, of course, she moves around or does anything at all. Again, when I try to get her to go to a doctor - "Oh, they can't help me. I'll need a specialist, and we can't afford that." Doesn't even want to try. Doesn't realize if she quit smoking we'd have money for just about any doctor.
Then the other day, I find out she's been smoking inside (the only rule in the house is no smoking inside - it makes it smell bad and discolors walls, carpets, you name it...and I'm not going to let her trash the house I work so hard to have) and hiding the butts in empty snack food bags - probably about 10 packs worth, and that's just what I found. It was only a week before that I smelled the smoke and asked if she was smoking inside, and she lied and said no.
It was the final straw...the lack of respect it shows that she couldn't simply step onto the back porch to smoke when she knows I don't allow it in the house, and then the lie on top of that. She doesn't respect me, and I can't trust her. Though she says she loves me, she's obviously more concerned with herself and doing only what she wants to do and never getting better, and to me, that's not love.
So I told her it was time she went back to her parents - that it wasn't a breakup, but I needed to focus on fixing my life and she needed to get better. Her parents will make her get to a doctor. She doesn't want to, because she says they make her feel like a failure - but I know from experience that means they try to get her to see her problems so she can work on fixing them, and she takes it as an attack. She doesn't want to accept she has problems, she doesn't want to fix them. She wants to ignore the world and go online and pretend to be someone else. So anyone who suggests she do otherwise is attacking her.
Now she's pretty much ignoring me or lashing out at me, and I found out from one of her online buddies that when I asked her if she wanted to go out with me or do anything together before she left, she told her buds "I wish Alex would just leave me alone, so I can do these tags (RP shit) in peace, since I won't be able to soon."
It's true her parents don't have internet, but it's also true they go every day to the library so they can get online. She won't be completely without internet. She's taking the laptop I paid for. But apparently, even though she'll be able to get online and not be able to see me, the computer is still more important than spending some time with me.
It was probably then that I finally decided this should be the end, not a break. I'm not going to tell her, not until she's gone...I feel bad for that, but she knows how to make me feel guilty too well. She knows what hurts me the most, and she'll use it to protect her interests. But now I know that's what she really cares about, and not me.
Sorry. That got long. I'm relatively clear headed right now, but I've been doing back and forth from feeling like this to completely falling apart. I've driven most of my friends away by the way I've focused on her to the detriment of myself and my other relationships - family, friends - and now, I could really use a friend...or at least someone to listen.
|Sunday, October 16th, 2011|
I went to an Al-Anon meeting out of town tonight and it was awesome, fabulous, amazing
. I hadn't been to Al-Anon in so long, and it brought back to my mind what a good
Al-Anon meeting is like. (I originally started going b/c I was dating an alcoholic, who I'm no longer with now, but I find it so valuable I keep going...) Everyone was genuine, honest, and intelligent. There were just 8 of us. We all shared... I felt connected to everyone and I felt like we all valued each other... going to this meeting reminded me the beauty of Al-Anon and how it can be so helpful.. Although I am not with my qualifier anymore I still struggle with issues of codependency with others... I am also glad that this Livejournal community exists and I'm hoping it can be active again.
Sending you all strength and love- stay strong. ♥
|Tuesday, June 22nd, 2010|
Let's get this going again
I really need a place to vent about my codependency with people that will understand me. I really hope their is someone out there.
I feel bad about everything all the time and I just can't stop thinking about things. Like for example, my husband is going to sell his iPhone to my brother in law for very cheap $275 when he paid $500 for it last year. I know he is being nice because my bro in law is family but I feel bad for my hubby. I feel as if he is being cheated in some way, even if he was the one that put the price.
Then I learn that my brother wanted it. Which made me feel bad for my brother. It just goes in a circle. But my brother does not have AT&T so he can't use it realiably.
My hubby wants to sell his iPhone so he could buy a nexus one which is 530. I just hope he manages to get enough money to buy it.
I know I am just rambling but this has been driving me crazy for 2 days.
Posted via Journaler.
|Saturday, January 16th, 2010|
I am new to this group and would love to talk to others who share similar experiences with me. I recently read a book called Perfect Daughters
which was about the experiences of daughters of alcoholic parents. Both my parents are alcoholics, and although I have been in therapy for many years, this was the first time I'd learned about the characteristics of ACoA's.
The part which hit home the most was the description of codependents. I was dismayed to see that my entire character was jotted down in a list of negative behavior patterns in chapter 9!!
In the weeks since reading this book I have become aware of things about myself that had been only slightly conscious of before---my need to control things around me (which gets worse when I'm angry or very unhappy) my many fears, my need for approval from those around me, and my need to fix people, among other things. I feel most satisfied and most alive when I feel that I am helping others to "fix" their lives.
It is very satisfying to put together the pieces and know that there is an explanation for all this. it makes me feel that now, knowing the root finally, I may be able to gain strength, find some self esteem, and stop these behaviors.
There is a CODA meeting in my city tomorrow that I have been anticipating and very very afraid of for two weeks. I am terrified of going but I know I need to in order to move forward. I would appreciate any words of encouragement or anything at all!!! Hope you all are doing well and thank you for reading=))