Lynn (lynnlettinggo) wrote in codependntsanon,
Lynn
lynnlettinggo
codependntsanon

Deadlines

I think I will try to post someting everyday. I am reading the daily meditations from The Language Of Letting Go every day and would like to post something about how I feel. Today is about setting deadlines to make decisions in my life, to stop floundering, to stop being victimized.

I have been setting deadlines my whole married life and not following through.  I plan and plan and think and think again about how I will get out.  but I never have followed through with any thing.  When it is bad, i plan to leave and then he says sorry, don't go and i stay only for it to happen over again.  I am so tired of the cycle.  my kids are almost grown. they are my life.  next year my daughter is going to finish college up state, my son will graduate high school in 3 years and plans to go to college away.  What will i do when they are gone, I can not see my life go onlike it has.  I know my husband is trying to accept the changes, but for how long, I can already see the impatience growing in him, it is only a matter of time, I know. 

I have made a decision that i have talked about with my therapist.  she agrees that I need my space away from him to get better, that is why I had the courage to move out of our bedroom to the spare room.  i really miss my bed though, it is so hard to sleep on an airmattress.  but at least i sleep without the fear that i will get woken up in the middle of the night to argue.  Why should i get to  sleep if he can not. hah.  Well I have made a desicion, set a deadline.  We have another house that is being rented, our old house.  we bought a larger house this last year.  the renters lease will be up at the end of june and i plan to move back to my old home then, away from him.  but i am scared about how i will bring this about with out him knowing my plan. How will i tell the renter he needs to be out, he will for sure tell my husband.  I am thinking do i need a lawyer for this.  I have told this to my kids and they want to move with me.  what will husband do when we all are gone.  will he finally hit his bottom.  What will his retaliation be. I am getting shaky just typing about the thought.  My leaving is a deadline i have made many times before, but this time i have a real detemination. I only hope i am brave enough to go through with it. I need advice if anyone has any thoughts.
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