Lynn (lynnlettinggo) wrote in codependntsanon,
Lynn
lynnlettinggo
codependntsanon

Opening ourselves to love

Today I had my CoDA meeting and the reading from Language of Letting Go was about learning to accept love. 

I have known about my codependency for about a month now and every day I am realising more and more about myself. A real journey of self discovery.  But what I am learning is making me sad for myself.  I have so many issues that I have never faced, just buried them deep inside my heart, ignored them,  pretended they do not exist, pretended to be happy. I forced myself to be happy even when I was so miserable. As a small child, I never really felt love from my mother.  A child should feel love, right. A child should feel secure in their parents love.  I know my children feel secure, they are confident and brave, things I never was.    I have realised the root of my codep. is my continouos search for love and that peaceful feeling. That is why I have tollerated the abuse from my husband for so long.  He loves me, right. Or does he really, i am understanding that this is not a healthy type of love.  So many conditions, so many rules, Love is here one day and gone the next and back again in a week, all on his terms.  And me, always doing anything for the feeling of love, to be loved, wanted, needed.  What little love i can get, I hold on to. I love him without conditions, after everything he has done. He says sorry. He says he love me and needs me and can't live without me. But I feel different inside, i can't pretend anymore.  I can not pretend to feel his love for me when I cannot  feel it, when I do not feel safe and secure. When I have no peace. Was it never there, was I imagining and pretending all along. Or am I unable to feel love. Right now I only feel numb.

They say I must first learn to love and care for myself before i can expect anyone else to love me, to really love me.  I know that I do not, anyone who valued herself would not have put up with what I have. She would have left, she would have protected and cared for herself, loved herself.   I have been martyring myself in the name of love or what I think is love. But I am trying to  learn to love myself, to protect myself and care for myself.  It is hard to break old habits. Hard not to sacrifice my feelings. I can already tell the difference in me though,  I so not cry as much anymore.  I still feel lonely, I do not feel the love he says he has for me. Now, I am reallying on myself for comfort, trying to make my own peace within. I know i deserve love, real love.

Thanks for letting me share.

  


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