I have known about my codependency for about a month now and every day I am realising more and more about myself. A real journey of self discovery. But what I am learning is making me sad for myself. I have so many issues that I have never faced, just buried them deep inside my heart, ignored them, pretended they do not exist, pretended to be happy. I forced myself to be happy even when I was so miserable. As a small child, I never really felt love from my mother. A child should feel love, right. A child should feel secure in their parents love. I know my children feel secure, they are confident and brave, things I never was. I have realised the root of my codep. is my continouos search for love and that peaceful feeling. That is why I have tollerated the abuse from my husband for so long. He loves me, right. Or does he really, i am understanding that this is not a healthy type of love. So many conditions, so many rules, Love is here one day and gone the next and back again in a week, all on his terms. And me, always doing anything for the feeling of love, to be loved, wanted, needed. What little love i can get, I hold on to. I love him without conditions, after everything he has done. He says sorry. He says he love me and needs me and can't live without me. But I feel different inside, i can't pretend anymore. I can not pretend to feel his love for me when I cannot feel it, when I do not feel safe and secure. When I have no peace. Was it never there, was I imagining and pretending all along. Or am I unable to feel love. Right now I only feel numb.
They say I must first learn to love and care for myself before i can expect anyone else to love me, to really love me. I know that I do not, anyone who valued herself would not have put up with what I have. She would have left, she would have protected and cared for herself, loved herself. I have been martyring myself in the name of love or what I think is love. But I am trying to learn to love myself, to protect myself and care for myself. It is hard to break old habits. Hard not to sacrifice my feelings. I can already tell the difference in me though, I so not cry as much anymore. I still feel lonely, I do not feel the love he says he has for me. Now, I am reallying on myself for comfort, trying to make my own peace within. I know i deserve love, real love.
Thanks for letting me share.