Lynn (lynnlettinggo) wrote in codependntsanon,
Lynn
lynnlettinggo
codependntsanon

One Week

I found this journal site and posted my first entry one week ago.  I was just reading what i have written so far and I can already see how much i have improved with my codependency.  i am not crying as much, hardly at all actually.  I think moving out of our bedroom was the best step I have taken.  That is the only reason I found livejournal.  If I was still in the same room as my husband, i would have to go to bed when he did, I could not read a book, i was never allowed to use the laptop in the bedroom or any time he was not present (he thought I "chatted" with secret men friends). I had to follow his routine, smoke,sex and sleep, every night.  that is unless he was tired, then just  smoke and sleep. It didn't matter if I was tired or sick or had a headache(I get migrains) No hugging or cuddling,   I could watch tv if i kept it muted with subtitles, i could not leave the room. I had no choice but to obey.  A wifes place is in her husbands bed.   Period.   

I was so much weaker just a week ago.  I have moved out of our bedroom, 10 days now, sleeping on the sofa at first.  I have so much more peace.  Oh, he was so sweet and tried to make me come back to the room.  I even did for a night the 3rd day, but he had his temper again, "what was my problem all the time, ther was no need to change anything,  why was I being difficult"  I gave in, we had sex even thought I didn't want to, I pretended it was great, I faked, again. I felt so empty, disgusted with the whole situation.  Then I got angry,  at him but mostly with myself.  my therapist says I need my own space away from him.  But I have no friends to go to, I am on my own. So,  I moved into the spare room with an airmattress, no more sofa.  I spent that first night searching online for something, anything, i was so alone and sad.  And I found this site, my salvation.  It looked pretty dead, but I posted and it felt so good to let it all out. I am so grateful for all the comments.  And here we all are,  one week later.  What a difference in me. I am so free, I read my books, I watch tv (in the living room) with the volume, I eat ice cream, i go online,, all by myself, with no one watching and telling me no.  He just goes to bed, not a word, no good night, just shuts the door.  I am tense until that door closes, and when it does, wow what a relief. 

I have been practicing detachment all week.  I have been so attached to my husband our whole life together. I could never think for myself, whether it was what to fix for dinner or what I should wear or if i should cut my hair or not. i had no confidence in myself.  So I am dettaching.  The first day i slept in the spare room, the next morning, he got up, made coffee for himself only and left to work without a word.  I sat and cried for an hour about why he did not say bye to me.  Not now, i am dettaching.  I am not ignoring, I am just being okay by myself.  Not needing him.  (and I do not miss the sex lol)  I am keeping busy, searching for a job, doing errands(which also feels exciting, I NEVER went anywhere alone)  going to a coda meeting, seeing my therapist and posting here.  I have grown so much in one week, it feels like months. 

I am so grateful for this journal.   The freedom to just write whatever pops into my head.  To complain and be scared and angry and say what I want with out being judged.  This is the best therapy of all. And thanks to Mellyjc for helping me through my first week of finding me.** BIG HUG**

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