Lynn (lynnlettinggo) wrote in codependntsanon,

Letting go of control

If someone had told me that I am a controlling person, I would not have beleived them.  "Look at my life" I would say,  "I am the one being controlled to the point of abuse."  It is true, my husband is controlling and abusive.  It is also true, I guilty of controlling too.  I try to control to make things 'normal'.  I try to control his feelings to keep him happy, to keep him from becoming angry, to keep him from thinking bad thoughts, to make my life with him easier, more predictable. i have been spending so much of my energy worrying about what he is thinking, what he ment when he said this or that, why he did something, what it has to do with me.  i have used up all of my energy on him and I have nothing left for me.

Todays reading is Letting go of the need to control.  Yes, I have a need, if i can not control him, he may do something I will not like, something that will make me even more afraid. He is so often out of control.  I do not control by telling him  what he can or cannot do, where he can or cannot go.  He does that with me.  I control by hiding my true feelings.  He may not like my feelings about something, I may make him sad or angry if he knows how I really feel. So I show him the feelings he wants to see from me, the feelings that will keep everything in balance, for him.  If he is in balance then that is good for me, right.  I need to control to keep things good and safe for me.  I need to keep balance. I need to control. 

I never realised just how much I am controling. I am trying to control his moods so he can control my happiness. He has been controlling for many,many years, but I am not at all happy. I am learning that only I can control my happiness. I can not control or change him or his feelings or the way he thinks.  I can only control me and my feelings and my thoughts.  So i am letting go of the control.  I am being honest about my feelings what I think.  He does not like the changes in me.  He is desperately trying to control me, to make things the way they were.  Sometimes, he is, but most of the time now, he isn't.  He is not happy anymore and he blames me for this. He blames me for wanting to change, wanting to feel happy, that I am being selfish and thinking only of myself.  I tell him that I have to think of mself, no one else does.

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