Lynn (lynnlettinggo) wrote in codependntsanon,

Hi my name is Lynn and I'm a Co-Dependant

This is what I have said at the 2 coda meetings i have so far attended. I did not believe it at first, i don't have the problem, he does. He is abusive. He does not trust me, thinking i am sleeping around with all of his friends and neighbors. I have to spend all my time with him, so he can control his thoughts, he says. He puts me down and criticizes me, tells me he can not take my attitude and my coniving and tricky ways, to make a dicision, to get a divorce, that he needs peace in his life from me. But why, I do EVERYTHING he asks me to, I have given up my own self, I no longer talk to anyone else, I have no friends anymore. As if i could have friends; all friends had to be family friends, husband to husband and wife to wife. So when i made freinds with the other wife, he would fight with the husband and that was it, no more contact with anyone. My only friend, who is still there and i have not been allowed to talk to since nov., moved last year. I am so alone. The loneliness hurts. I am so sad. He says why are you like this, you have everything, a house, 2 children and a husband who loves you and takes care of everything, you have no worries, your life is easy

My husband smokes weed every night, he says to help him sleep, to quiet his brain. If i love him i will smoke with him, that is what spouses do together. i must prove my love allthe time, so he can feel it. I do not like to smoke, i do not like the feeling, the cloudy brain. I need to be sharp because things always happen at night. We have sex almost every night. I believe he thinks that it he keeps me sexed up, i will not cheat. I DO NOT CHEAT. It always starts at night. He gets high, I smoke a little, sometimes alot just to get through the sex. I do not get to say no. What a fight it will start and with him being high. It is easier just to go along. but sometimes things do not go easy, he smells a smell or it feels different to him or why am i not into it today. A womans body is in constant flux, always changing. Ha, what propaganda. Then the fight; what's MY problem, why do I always cause problems. I defend myself, as if he can comprehend logic when he is high. sometimes it will get physical but most of the time a cold indiferrence. A closed door, no more of the love he says he has so much of for me. The next evening it starts all over again. We spent the whole day together at work with out a word. He is cold and cruel, but as soon as he smokes, all love and sex. Am i a robot, no feelings, just push a button. I have no choice but to comply and bend down to the situation. I always apoligize even though i have done nothing wrong, he demands his respect. What about me.

Sometimes it gets too much for me to handle. I say ok lets call it off, get a divorce. He says i will have nothing, no house, no money, no kids. I will be used by all of my outside men that i am sleeping with. I try to leave, he stops me. He flips. Why do I not want to work things out. He loves me. my children need me. Without me there will be no home. He needs me. Please don't go. So. . . I stay. I am so stupid. Why did i not leave when i had the guts to, at that moment when my anger gave me strength. I stayed, again. Only for my children.

But now, my daughter is 20 and she says mom why do you stay, this is not healthy for any of us. She is small,only 5', and strong minded and fair, she does not take anything from anybody. Her dad calls her disrespectful and rude. My son is now 15, and he has been belittled by his dad for being chubby and not athletic. My son plays guitar not football, he is smart, but quiet like me. My husbands family is strong and slim, I was adopted so I do not know about my family. My son will be a big man, already 5'6". His dad says you are not like me, i am tryingto make you a man. I worry about my sons selfesteem. I talk to him that dad does not mean it and he loves you in his way. I know that none of this is right and healthy. My husband has moments of clairity when he sees what he does is not right, but just for a moment. I feel sorry for him, that he does not realize what he is doing to our family. How can i leave him like this. He does not understand. It is my responsibility to help him understand, right. To understand me, that i am a good person and have done nothing wrong. But I can't. Now I understand.

I had seen different therapists during the years, all telling me the same thing, that i can not fix my husband. After a few sessions, i would quit, ei: husband would talk me into quitting. A waste of time and money, i should just listen to him, the one who loves me most, the only trying to save our marrage. Last november I fiinaly broke, I really did go crazy, nothing made any sense anymore. He was always angry and getting more abusive. I warned him if he did not quit smoking weed i would leave and i was serious. I was so alone and had no one to talk to. I was ashamed and embarresed that I was falling apart. I have no family in Fla. He has all of his, he sees his mom and dad everyother day. he cries to them that our marriage is not good, they tell me to stop fighting all time, that his blood presure is up and i will cause a heartattack. I NEED to talk to someone, I need to fix this. So I start to see a therapist again, by my own force, he does not want me to. But he think he will be proven right, that a therapist would see past my lies and make me change back to his normal. After the first appt, i felt better. Someone to listen to me and not judge. I finally convinced, after 15 years of trying, him to see someone too. But not mine, he needs to be seen my a phd holder, someone more qualified, more money. Money is never a problem for his needs. I have now gone to 4 sessions and now he will go to his first,ever. So he goes, on my birthday. I thank god for the present of my life getting fixed, husband getting help that i know he needs. I thanked to soon, i should have known. His phd said there was nothing wrong with him. He gave her the pg rated version of our life, he thinks i cheat, he uses a little bit of weed to sleep, he is a responsible and caring man. She probably said poor you, what a bad wife.

At session 2 my therapist told me that i was codependent. I did not understand and denied it, me husband has the problem, not me. By session 4, she talked me into finding a coda meeting. I really needed to understand, so i went. I read the literature and it all clicked. all the way back to my childhood when my sister,11 years older, told me, then 7, that i was not her real sister, i did not belong there, i was adopted. I also have a brother 1 year younger and another sister 5 years younger, not addopted. I have been trying to please people and fit in my whole life. I am codependent. I gave my husband the info to read and told him things would get better, we still had hope. He took the material to his session 2 and came back so angry. I lied again to my therapist, because if i was codep. then he was an abuser or a drug addict, which he was not,so he said. My therapist was a quack. I went to coda again, bought books by melody beattie, the language of letting go and codependent no more. He went to therapy twice more and currently has other appt, he does nnot like his phd now that she see the real truth in him.

I am at today now, i have a therapy appt at 4. the last 2 days, my husband has not talked to me. I have not been going with him to the store that we own and work in together for two weeks now. I have been sleeping on the floor in an empty spare room. I can not be fake anymore. He said he quit smoking weed, i do not know. I have a job interview on thursday, my first job outside in 9 years. I am excited, scared and hopeful. i am going to buy an outfit to wear to the interview after my appt. the first clothes i have bought myself in 18 months. I will not tell him, or maybe i will.

They say keeping a journal is a therapy in itself. i bought one after my first coda meeting, but am afraid it will be read and i really have too much to write. So, i have written it all here, and i will write more. i need to let it all out and if anyone wants to read it, that is okay too. Thanks for letting me share.

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