snowflake2965 (snowflake2965) wrote in codependntsanon,

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Taking the steps

I have read your posts and it could be me talking! I restarted CoDA this January (last time was 2 or 3 years ago for a six month run). Made a new year resolution to take care of myself spiritually/emotionally. I returned to my shrink and got antidepressant - hated to do that, guess that's part of my control, that I think I'm losing control if I need chemicals to restore balance. I handed off the decision making to the shrink. I said if he thinks I need meds then it must be so ... And there I sat, feeling small and lonely, deferring to an authority figure because that's what I do ... And then got angry with myself for not asking enough questions, the right questions. But, I must give myself credit and be grateful that I didn't leave it at that - I stared at the bottle of Wellbutrin for two weeks, unable to start, fearing the sense of handing myself over to a pill (talk about control - who me? Captain of the victims? How could I possibly be controlling???) and I called the clinic and asked to speak to the doctor, even though they had told me he doesn't do phone conversations, only office visits. Well, he called me back and I asked the questions I wanted to ask, clarified the way this pill would work (I was nervous to start because it was a new pill and I was scared of effects, why didn't I just go back to the one I knew .... Because I had complained that it made me emotionally numb, that's why!) Tonight in my coda meeting I spoke twice, but didn't really say anything and I still can't let myself be ok with that. So I came here to express myself a bit more, to spill with the hope that it will take me somewhere. I read something here tonight that the controlling can just as much be in the NOT expressing, the withholding or checking of emotions, the measuring of response (particularly in the hopes/intent of eliciting or avoiding a certain response). Wow, do I finally see myself there! I came home and the husband was mad that I didn't go pick something up, that I didn't see the text message he sent - through my daughter, because he refuses to use a cellphone, that's a whole OTHER subject - and I responded by defending myself, that I never saw the message and "just because you SENT a message doesn't mean I got it and therefore you can't be angry with me!" Now, I wish I had just said, "gee, I'm so sorry I didn't check my phone," and leave it at that. Because I got defensive, he got ridiculous, starting to threaten "well, maybe you shouldn't have a phone if you don't use it right" and "why would you turn the ringer off [during the meeting]? It's not like you were in a movie or something!" and I actually answered him!! I can't change him, his response to me and I can't change the fact that it hurt ... But I CAN choose how TO respond or NOT to respond, and I can accept myself for tripping up, and I can be grateful for seeing it, even if it was after the fact.
Thanks for listening.
I'm still here, actually. I just saw the title I chose here and in fact I did want to write a bit about starting the steps. As I said, this is my second time going to CoDA. But I've never DONE the steps. So, I appreciate any company here as I embark on that journey, one step at a time.
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